muddled

August 15th, 2005 by abaliscious

i’m tired…i haven’t slept well for over two weeks now. slept for only two hours last night..crept into bed at 5:30 am already. i’m rushing a project that’s due wednesday and i’m excited and scared at the same time. this would be a first for me you know. and when this is over, i wish i could go somewhere  where the only thing i could hear is the sound of the tranquil sea…where the only thing i could smell is that of unsullied air…where the things i could see are the deep and intense colors of nature…the sapphire sky..the way it turns crimson when the sun rises and sets…the black night sky with its zillions of glittery stars…blah..blah..blah..i’m digressing..as usual. i think i’m dreaming. (if i am, i don’t wanna wake up!argh!) what i’m trying to say is, i want a break from my so-called life. would that be possible? can i just be not myself in like, two weeks? or even a week? i really have lots of things i wanted to say…i just forgot what they were. maybe i just need some sleep…i ran out of things to say already. that’s how muddled my mind is.

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forgetting

July 10th, 2005 by abaliscious

i wanted to write something about "forgetting".. then i came across something a friend of mine wrote. as i was reading it, i realized..what she was saying was exactly how i felt. so here goes…

"it is funny how when you decide to forget something (or someone), it (or he/she) just keeps on coming up all the more… things you want to forget have their way of getting through your conscious mind. the worst part is that the details seem to become more vivid everytime you will remember and since the emotion a memory evokes is real, it is like you are living it all over again. how then can one forget? if a conscious decision to do so is not enough, what else should a person do? milan kundera compared the struggle of man against power to the struggle of memory against forgetting…if that is true, then forgetting really is difficult, but not impossible…"

janis, my friend posted this. sis, pahiram ah..you really have a way with words. :)

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Tonight i can write the saddest lines…

July 10th, 2005 by abaliscious

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, `The night is starry

and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.’

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.

I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.

How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.

And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.

The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.

My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.

My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night, whitening the same trees.

We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but how I loved her.

My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another’s. She will be another’s. As she was before my kisses.

Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that’s certain, but maybe I love her.

Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms

my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain she makes me suffer

and these the last verses that I write for her.

(pablo neruda)

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